T'WAS THE NIGHT BEFORE THANKSGIVING
T'was the night before Thanksgiving and all through the kitchen;
I was cooking and baking and moanin' and b*tchin'.
I've been here for hours, and can't stop to rest,
This place is a disaster, just LOOK at this mess!
Tomorrow there'll be thirty people to feed,
They expect all the trimmings! Who cares what I need?!
My feet are both blistered, I've got cramps in my legs,
Now The dog's just knocked over a bowl full of eggs.
There's a knock at the door and the telephone's ringing;
Frosting drips on the counter as the microwave's dinging.
Four pies in the oven, the dessert's almost done;
My cookbook is stained with butter and crumbs.
When I've had all I can stand, and can't take anymore;
My husband walks in, spilling rum on the floor.
He weaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady;
He grins and he chuckles "Hon, the eggnog is ready!"
He looks all around and with total regret,
Says, "What's takin' so long? You're not done in here YET???"
As quick as a flash I reach for a knife;
He loses an ear; I wanted his life!
He flees from the room in terror and pain,
Screaming, "MY GOD WOMAN, YOU'RE GOING INSANE!!"
Now what was I doing, and what is that smell?
Oh, NO- it's the pies!! now they're burned all to heck!!
I hate to admit when I make a mistake,
But I put them on BROIL instead of on BAKE.
What else can go wrong?? Is there still more ahead??
If this is good living, I'd rather be dead.
Now don't get me wrong, I love holidays;
They just leave me exhausted, all shaky and crazed.
I'll promise you one thing, if I live 'til next year,
You WON'T find me running in circles in here.
I'll hire both a maid, a cook, AND a waiter;
Or if that doesn't work, I'LL JUST HAVE IT CATERED!
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